today ...

I had the day off so, I got coffee & fish and chips, packed a box to ship to All My Aweome Children, watched women walk down the street while I sat and smoked on the front porch, watched a lecture section on some famouse historical geometric proofs, baked a little, worked on my meme, wrote a song about being lonely and free and sad and hopeful - and the day is only half over

I think about love
and I shrug about sex
and I sometimes wonder if the world has any use
for me anymore
and I feel like a closing door

I used to dream about
the way life could be
and worried over details
about what should be
going on
I just wanted to go home

Today, I found a little trulth
in myself concerning
my attitude towards
the inner yearnings
that I feel
all I want is something real

Reality is feeling
cool and fuzzy
and I like to think the universe
really does love me
and somewhere I'll find
someone of like mind

Just a cloudy winter day
maybe sun, tomorrow
or maybe, suddenly
change will follow
maybe Zen
I choose to choose again

Nina Trax (Live @ Jazzy Java)

January 27, 2010

• You're Comin' Over
• Playing Pretend

Somebody threw a "Piss on Christmas" at me

Solstice Sunday afternoon for me is
The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul

Solstice
Christmas
Auld Lang Zyne

On a good chunk of this planet
this is the time when being alone
means flirting with death itself
no matter the LED bling
or thin illusions of connections

Jacob rattles
Bob watches
Indra feels every heartbeat
and, if the only stars we see
are fake atop a storefront tree
...

I heard a woman in the mall the other day, she had 2 little ones, a stroller, and a cell phone, she was tired, and happy - she said to the older, about three, "Oh, honey, don't eat the plastic!", and she sounded so much like a Best Friend with Good Advice, and the little girl pulled it out and held it up and cocked her head (pigtails), waiting...

I bought gloves

The mall smelled awful, like a perfume explosion shot through with the decay of shrubbery and hot glue - most people were frenetic, talking on cells - some not very Christmassy, either - woo - this time of year seemsto bring out the best and the beast in so many - it's confusing to be a Christian, it didn't work for me so I quit but, even so, the messages and the implementation of them seem to make a lot of people behave in odd ways around Advent - maybe we all just need a nap.

Back in the Day when you slept with your family under a pile of blankets, or die, and the winter was dead set against you - at the time when winter seemed darkest, a star, a child, a miracle.

Everything is so quick now, we just haven't learned to separate the myth from the ritual, both are lovely in their way but, taken together as an obligatory (and annual) rite of passage they seem to have become more than what anyone wanted, and less than they truly mean.

Piss on Christmas?  Nah - it's a time when people try a little extra hard to be sweet to one another, and that's something.

Plan b

Ryan Adams is a musical genius!  But, that has little to do with this post...

Today I woke up and got up at 6:59, turned on NPR, showered, drank green tea, packed up my kit, hit the street at 7:48, stopped at the Phreakwood for coffee, cought the bus at 8:18, worked with one of my oldest bestest friends, sometimes housemate, sometimes business partner, C. for 2 hours proofing high school geometry, took a 20 minute walk in the rain, spent an hour and a half in dental care - and they care, I am so glad(!), took another 20 minute walk in the rain, worked for another two hours, caught the 4:17 back downtown, stopped by the Phreakwood for coffee (and to complete a job for a now very happy laptop owner / yogini-waitress) and onion rings, came home and drank green tea and played my guitar while shuffling Ryan Adams music to play along with.

I go to the dentist again Wednesday to hash out and schedule my treatment plan and (thanks to a gift in the mail - very much unexpected) pay off my current (not huge but nominal) balance at said Dental Sanctuary.

I will not be a habitual cigarette smoker by the time The Big Surgery comes down - it's a promise and a fact.

Once my teeth are stabilized and prosthedontically repaired to a level of professional presentation (in my face), and I have regained articulate control of my diction, i will have more work (and thereby money) than I know what to do with - I'm sure I'll have plenty of suggestions - lol.  I owe my kids a trip to Costa Rica & I'm gonna pay up.

The degree is a question I have not yet settled on an answer for, I can finish Psych or Liberal Arts in three semesters or I could get a CPA in 2 years - education and some crossover IT kind of track are also a possibility but, I want to keep my life uncomplicated and nominally profitable with a chance for developing direct residuals - so, don't PM me about scAMway, k?  Thanks.

I've noticed that my way of interacting with people I don't has changed for the better lately, even though there's no noticeable change in the state of my smile, I've found myself doing it more, lately - but, it's nothing to post photos about...

Oh, and I want a YMCA membership - Oi!

I'm kind of concerned about how the change in oral infrastructure will affect my singing - I ain't nobody but me, but I like my voice & hope to make something good come of it soon.  I'll figure that out as the future presents itself, though.

I feel love coming my way
sense it glowing in the
strange light of these
pseudo-winter days;
making believe that spring
is just around the corner,
knowing all along
there's no holding back
the snowstorms gathering
above the great plains.

I am thankful; mindful
in my tired heart,
the gesture is so fine
as the real thing.

And I'm writing poetry (and shit) again - *sigh* - better...

I'm sleeping alone and waking up with myself - it's OK - but, sleeping alone forever isn't part of the plan.

So, yeah, Ryan Adams is a musical genius, and I'm off to play my guitar some more.

To Do List

1. Get my teeth fixed within the next 6 months.
2. Register for school - fall 2009.
4. Become debt free in one year.

Extra Credit:
5. Find a partner who will enjoy collaborating a happy^2 life.

The greatest crime in the world is not developing your potential. When you do what you do best, you are helping not only yourself, but the world.
-Roger Williams

Steps: Skyline Drive

As of 9 AM today, I am unemployed.

I decided to walk most of the way home from work.  My friends W. and R. accompanied me to the Dixie Rock to send me off on the road.

Here are some photos I took as I took the first steps towards my future.  The name of the road is Skyline Drive.  (Click the image to see the slide show & descriptions.)

Malus Malum Mortum - and on from there

The bPod died last night
my place looks like an estate jumbe sale
I spent the morning feeling like a castaway*
in a boat full of panic rats
I got some thins packed but, I felt heavy
worried, sad, and wished
to feel nothing at all.

Amidst the chaos of my picked-to-pieces
place of terminal sanctuary in Zion's Gate,
I won't even go there, now;
I went back to bed with a glass of wine
slept for 5 hours with no dreams,
woke up to heat and light and, damn
I probably won't sleep tonight.

I feel blurry, half-disassembled, wound
too tight, and posted off-center,
tt's dark and hot and the phone
didn't ring all day, of all days
oi vay

---

*

To be a castaway is to be a point perpetually at the center of a circle. However much things may appear to change - the sea may shift from whisper to rage, the sky might go from fresh blue to blinding white to darkest black - the geometry never changes. Your gaze is always a radius. The circumference is ever great. In fact, the circles multiply. To be a castaway is to be caught in a harrowing ballet of circles. You are at the center of one circle, wile above you two opposing circles spin about. The sun distresses you like a crowd, a noisy invasive crowd that makes you cup your ears, that makes you close your eyes, that makes you want to hide. The moon distresses you by silently reminding you of your solitude; you open your eyes wide to escape your loneliness. When you look up, you sometimes wonder if at the centre of a solar storm, if in the middle of the Sea of Tranquility; there isn't another one like you also looking up, also trapped by geometry, also struggling with fear, rage, madness, hopelessness, apathy.

~Yann Martel - Life of Pi