Future, past, present, change. Now, I need to do some choosing.
Right, so, most of you know my story - or enough of it to be shocked at what I'm about to say.
My children will most likely be living with their mother before the year is out; possibly the school year.
Ever since my X and I split up, the kids have had it rough - first, living with me during the most miserable, confused time of my life; then, living with her while she tripped along the chaotic path to self-destruction (drugs, sex, booze, lies), until the government stepped in and took them away - I dropped everything, including my girlfriend, job, etc., because it was in the best interest of my children (as far as I could see it), to come to a place I swore (by whatever Gods I could think of at the time) never to return to, and pick up the pieces. They have never given up the hope of living with their mother. I think it has a lot to do with self-sufficiency - I admit that I don't need them to validate my survival, keep me "on track", etc. I am a subtly emotional person, I don't have great histrionic catharses that requre me to be "talked down", and placated - their mother, on the other hand, is a phlegmatic and (I am a choleric) (Here's a simple personality type test, if you're curious.) Our methods have always been night & day to each other - she wants compromise, I want collaboration - never the twain shall meet...
When I have lived "away" from the kids, they never worried about me - their mother, on the other hand, has always been a source of concern; I think that a lot of the reason they wish to live with her, is so they can take care of her. They don't feel that I "need" them in that way, and I think I understand.
The day I acquired custody of my children, I told them that we would stay here as long as was necessary, but, this place wasn't my home, and I wanted to live somewhere with green things and a diverse, vibrant culture - a place where miserably hot wasn't the norm, and winter (such as it is) was not a 2 month respite.
Their mother is sober, (the recidivism rate for Meth use is about 95%++), so, she's managed to shine out and attract others who really want help) - a couple of my kids who started to follow her path have also been working closely with her on their own recovery path. That's great.
I think my time as a stay-at-home single father of six kids is coming to a close - I'm a litle sad, and have spent a lot of time revelling in deep frustration, ego-combat, and some grief as to why I'm "such a failure", etc., ad nauseum, over this whole thing - and I'm coming to realize that it's what is meant to be, for the good of everyone.
I don't know where I'm going, but, unless attitudes and desires which I have no control over shift, I'm going sometime soon - I will go willingly and happy, and continue to do what I do, talk to them on the phone, visit, have them come to visit me - and know that they aren't wondering what kind of craziness I'm getting myself into, but, looking for things to share with them, gifts, songs, time to talk about where we're going and where we've been - we shall see. I am now accepting that it may be in their best interest for me to give custody to their mother. I'm still not sure, but, I'm working through it.
And, I can hear some howling about "leavers" and "deadbeat dads" - well, I guess, if that's your truth for me, I'd rather hear it than not.
And please, if you spend any time thinking about this at all, remember - this is only the tip of the mountain that I see over my horizon, the small part that I am able to talk about right now; like Mohamed, I know that mountain isn't going to come to me.
My children will most likely be living with their mother before the year is out; possibly the school year.
Ever since my X and I split up, the kids have had it rough - first, living with me during the most miserable, confused time of my life; then, living with her while she tripped along the chaotic path to self-destruction (drugs, sex, booze, lies), until the government stepped in and took them away - I dropped everything, including my girlfriend, job, etc., because it was in the best interest of my children (as far as I could see it), to come to a place I swore (by whatever Gods I could think of at the time) never to return to, and pick up the pieces. They have never given up the hope of living with their mother. I think it has a lot to do with self-sufficiency - I admit that I don't need them to validate my survival, keep me "on track", etc. I am a subtly emotional person, I don't have great histrionic catharses that requre me to be "talked down", and placated - their mother, on the other hand, is a phlegmatic and (I am a choleric) (Here's a simple personality type test, if you're curious.) Our methods have always been night & day to each other - she wants compromise, I want collaboration - never the twain shall meet...
When I have lived "away" from the kids, they never worried about me - their mother, on the other hand, has always been a source of concern; I think that a lot of the reason they wish to live with her, is so they can take care of her. They don't feel that I "need" them in that way, and I think I understand.
The day I acquired custody of my children, I told them that we would stay here as long as was necessary, but, this place wasn't my home, and I wanted to live somewhere with green things and a diverse, vibrant culture - a place where miserably hot wasn't the norm, and winter (such as it is) was not a 2 month respite.
Their mother is sober, (the recidivism rate for Meth use is about 95%++), so, she's managed to shine out and attract others who really want help) - a couple of my kids who started to follow her path have also been working closely with her on their own recovery path. That's great.
I think my time as a stay-at-home single father of six kids is coming to a close - I'm a litle sad, and have spent a lot of time revelling in deep frustration, ego-combat, and some grief as to why I'm "such a failure", etc., ad nauseum, over this whole thing - and I'm coming to realize that it's what is meant to be, for the good of everyone.
I don't know where I'm going, but, unless attitudes and desires which I have no control over shift, I'm going sometime soon - I will go willingly and happy, and continue to do what I do, talk to them on the phone, visit, have them come to visit me - and know that they aren't wondering what kind of craziness I'm getting myself into, but, looking for things to share with them, gifts, songs, time to talk about where we're going and where we've been - we shall see. I am now accepting that it may be in their best interest for me to give custody to their mother. I'm still not sure, but, I'm working through it.
And, I can hear some howling about "leavers" and "deadbeat dads" - well, I guess, if that's your truth for me, I'd rather hear it than not.
And please, if you spend any time thinking about this at all, remember - this is only the tip of the mountain that I see over my horizon, the small part that I am able to talk about right now; like Mohamed, I know that mountain isn't going to come to me.
posted by b at 8:09 AM
2 people commented
