What 9/11 Taught Me About Hopelessness

Yawn, stretch, eek - it's 9/11 again!

Five years ago I sat & wrote the following notes on my own changing condition of hopelessness... I had been clean from narcotic addiction for 2 months and 2 days.

The only thing I used to feel hope about was scoring, my life was reduced to "Waitin' for the man, and the man don't come", not soon enough, anyway. Whether it was a bag or a script, it didn't matter- hope thrives through prayer, and about the only time I prayed was when I was on that unholy cusp between the rock of the potential fix and the hard place of impending withdrawal. If I scored, hope was unnecessary- I was either hopelessly happy, or hopelessly lost.

I would use for a few days, not even bothering to keep track; sometimes I would purposefully "lose" pills, drop them into my backpack or in a drawer. Soon, I would start paying attention, and would start trying to hedge my bets. Every night before bed I would check to make sure I knew exactly what I had, which was bad if I had a lot, because I'd just use some more and end up staying up half the night wasting. When I had a moderate amount, I would carefully calculate how long I could go before the next score, or the next withdrawal period- then I would start formulating plans for the next doctor's office, dentist's office, or ER run. When I was running out, I got depressed and irritable, I would get cold and indifferent to the situations of others, and be an all-out bastard. I was feeling sorry for myself, and the hopeless state I was in, and I took out my misery on everyone around me, especially on my wife and my children. During the last three or four years of use, I wouldn't give any drugs to any one for any reason, no matter how bad the toothache or headache or whatever it was. I figured, if their problem was that bad, they could get their own. Of course, if I found out somebody had drugs I liked, I'd beg, borrow, or steal them- it didn't really matter how I got them- I got them.

Not being satisfied with my own hopeless situation, I created an atmosphere of anti-hope in my life. I became unapproachable by my friends and family, and made it a point to jump all over any shortcoming (real or not) of anyone who I even thought might try to tell me there was something wrong with me. A good frined of mine once told me "You seem to take great pleasure in pissing on the flames of any happy campfire you happen to run across." My response was something like "Everybody needs a hobby."

That's the extent of the journal entry for that day - I had to get the kids our the door for school, and then everybody what kept me busy for the next... well, not five years, that's for sure - or, is it?

I did a scan of my hard drives, and the only other file created or last modified on September 11, 2001 is Oasis' "Don't Look Back In Anger":

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's not all day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

Gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

Ironic, no?

Afghanistan is fallen, Iraq is fallen, Saddam Hussein is in jail, and, and well, and the Bush Administration just requested another 80 billion dollars to keep these two occupied countries occupied. The administration has misled us, lied to us, twisted what little truth there is concerning "The War On Terror. (Ever notice that acronym?) But, the countries named above aren't fallen enough, never mind the New World order to-do list that dwarfs any action taken so far; even considering the entirety of the history of warfare, what Bush has planned is pretty freakin' huge.

I don't watch TV, but my son says they're selling commemorative coins made from metals salvaged from the towers - $29.99 (discounted from $49.99) + S&H (only 5 coins allowed per customer.) Here's a google-search that reveals a plethura of 9/11 commemorative crap. (even a 9/11 Zippo!)

Hopelessness? Let me just finish on that point.

I'd much rather be a recovering junkie and have to face the errors and / or sins of my past than have to face the memories of the five years since 9/11 as a surviving member of a family that lost someone on the planes, in the towers, on the ground as a rescue worker, or in some other way that this disaster managed to rip lives apart.

Five years of many people being shuffled around like paperwork by their government at all levels, while that same government vastly increased defense (defense - lol) spending, made travel more costly and difficult for all citizens, and funnelled all that money into killing more people - while they, the "noble survivors of the tragedy" have lived not knowing what will come next from the government, the legal wranglers all around them, or even from the media (yeah, I just wanted to work in a special FUCK YOU to Ann Coulter), and now there's the ever-increasing commercialization of the anniversary of the most tragic day in their lives. And the military machine moves on, and the body count (that the administration say it isn't concerned with) keeps rising - and the hatred is not in the least abated - what do terrorists do on five year anniversaries?

9/11 taught me that I need to put my hope in the right place - not blindly in a bunch of power-addicted people who make money by having other people killed.

I will leave the dead in peace today - I will, however, wear black to mourn the hopeless living.

Will these people ever learn the simple lesson that war ends nothing but life?