Friendship

I got an e-mail from a friend whom I haven't heard from in a while. Just to read her words brings more light into my day - things seem brighter, sharper, more meaningful after reading the 2 paragraph note.

I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. I've been thinking about them a lot because I don't see them anymore - they're all hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I think about them because they're closer to me than the illusion called family I put up with for most of my life. I meditate upon their faces and feel their hands touch me, their arms hug me, I hear their voices saying things to me that define them as individuals, I visualize them smiling, concentrating, laughing, shouting, spilling their (or my) coffee, writing, playing guitar, singing- and I do what I can to not be attached to the fact that I'm here, and they're ... elsewhere. Sometimes I do well at this, other times I fall short of my set standard. C'est la vie.

I have lived through some pretty fucked-up definitions of friendship. I know people who call friends what I would call drug-buddies, fuck-buddies, drama-buddies, someone who's got money to lend or dope to front, anyone with a car, anyone with a place to crash. These people define friendships as a form of social contract - exclusive right to time, information, or resources.

The adolescent in me remembers being in high school and being friends with everyone, although I don't remember really liking most of those people- funny, but I seem to retain more respect for those kids I thought were my enemies.

My friends - I value them, so much so that I dream about them, not because I miss or need anything from them, but my dreams are vivid when my friends visit them. I have their voices firmly in my head, my inner voice is sometimes a chorus, more often than not a cacauphony of concerting and conflicting opinion, I can banish boredom listening to people, some of whom have never met, debate and laugh at and accept images and statements made by each other- all inside my mind's eye.

I feel fortunate to have such friends as I do - all of them are younger than me now - those friends I have had who are my age or older have mostly killed themselves off with drugs, alcohol, loneliness, and evil dreams; they're not necessarily physically dead yet, but have sunk into an oblivious quagmire where I cannot follow. I think I may be growing younger in the light of this age of spiritual opening and technological enmity, where information is so pervasive that it means nothing anymore - the only valid direction I can find is through intuition, inspiration, empathy, and compassion. The people in my life that I value most seem to understand this, and some articulate it far better than I. The people I love are wallflowers in this death-dance that we call civilization - they walk through the lights and noise and they dance through crowds with tears for the lost and a ready smile for those who notice that their feet don't quite touch the ground. How divine a madness is the silent pathway through this world of machine noise and empty doggerel that calls itself politics and humanitarianism.

I am glad to have friends that I expect nothing from - they give what they can whenever they can, they will not play codependent games to prove or acquire the proof of friendship, they ask nothing- they just call, or write, or come and stay for awhile, and leave when the time is right, and the time is always right. Emotions are not frowned upon, nor is the insanity that invades us all from time to time- perfection is not an issue. The sharing of my friends is open and unconscious, there is not pressure or frenzy or lack- when people know they have everything they're not worried about running out.

I'm posting this because I feel good about it - it's not complete, and I'm too tired to go on, and, if you're my friend and you're reading this- good!