Forsaken

I have spent the last ten minutes or so in a frustrated rage. I am so knotted up with it I can type, but it feels like I am punctured by every key I press.

I feel like I've been having great sex with the love of my life and she had died, just gone all taut and then limp against me. My head hurts and I will NOT cry because I cannot have what I want, and I WANT it, it was in me and it's gone and I WANT the rest of it.

That's how I feel- makes no sense, right?

I ordered Amelie from Netflix, popped a wine cooler, poured it over ice, and started watching the film. God DAMNIT, I am SO angry! I watched the film - got to the part where she's writing "Today's Menu" on the glass, the guy Nino is sitting there, pulling a Jay (sans Silent Bob) with the sugar, and the fucking movie freezes, spaces, pixilated, bodies overlapping - I don't know who I'm looking at, and then I see Amelie's father turn from a closed gate to see his garden gnome back in place - all the joy has turned to pain and I have never felt this way about a film- I feel like my blood has been removed from my body and all I want is one more drop.

For those of you who didn't get it plain and simple - this fantastic, beautiful, sweet film FROZE FROZE FROZE on me - died like a lover with a brain blossom blown!

God is merciless with the little jokes, yeah, and I just care- that's it- it's so unfair to have something cut off like this- I have had lovers go cold on me, I have gone cold, this is worse- to have beauty so rudely stopped- this is cruelty, this is agony.

I'm going to go smoke and try to figure out what this means.